Merry Christmas

It's been a great Christmas so far! It was great to get out of school and get back home with my family for a couple weeks. I've mostly just been playing around since I got home, which is just the way I like it. I've seen a movie, gone out to eat at a really good restaurant called Red Iguana, shopped, slept a lot, and played tons of music.
Today was Christmas day and it was a lot of fun. Julianne, Rachel, Jen and I had a sleepover in Rachel's room last night and this morning, I woke up to Rachel poking me in the head and telling me that it was 7:40! We were planning on waking up at 7 but we ended up sleeping in quite a bit. It's funny how we've changed because we used to wake up super early to go open presents but lately, since we're all older and more exhausted all the time, we like sleeping in. But we got up at 7:40 (not really sleeping in I suppose), went and woke up my parents, had toast and grape juice, lined up to take pictures and then went in and opened presents. There were a lot of fun presents this year for everyone. Mom got an accordion, Dad got a cool video camera for his ATV, Rachel got a spotting scope, Jen got a popcorn maker, and I got a kit that lets you make your own electric guitar. It is really cool. I can't wait to put it together.

My family really impressed me this year with the amount of charitable things they did. I just feel like they all cared a lot about others and about making this a good Christmas for everyone around them. However, I personally did horrible at this. I've been a really selfish person lately and I didn't do enough for others this Christmas. I left my Christmas presents for my family until last minute so I didn't do anything special for them like they did for me and I just haven't spent enough time thinking and doing things for others. This season is a special time for thinking about Christ and His birth and life. His entire life was lived for others and nothing He did was selfish or thoughtless. That is the kind of life I should be trying to live. Not the one I am currently living. This is something I really want to be better at because I am pretty miserable right now. It is not fun just being about myself all the time.
I'm just really grateful that I have my family's and my Saviour's example of how to live life. They are all so wonderful and I am grateful that I have them in my life. They helped me remember what Christmas is really about today.

Life is Good!

I don't really know what to write right now but I feel like writing so I'm just going to start and see what comes out. This past weekend was really great. I did a lot of fun things and church was really great on Sunday. I just love Sundays and the peace and rejuvenation I feel after all of the goings-ons. I really felt the spirit strong during Sacrament meeting and especially during the sacrament itself. I felt my Heavenly Father's love for me and I realized a deeper meaning of the atonement in my life. I am so grateful for the chance that I have to repent and to start off my week with a fresh start after partaking of the sacrament. It is truly an amazing blessing in my life and I know that I would not get anywhere without that opportunity to start again and to try harder. I know that Christ sacrificed His life for me so that I can repent and be forgiven. I know that He went through with the atonement so that He can feel and know what I am going through and so He can be there for me when I turn to Him for help. And I know that He will be there for me. All I have to do is knock, and the door will be opened unto me.

So on Friday, my friend Jordan, who is one of the tech people for Divine Comedy, invited me to come to their show and sit in the booth with him. He told me that one of the other tech guys is leaving next semester and they need to find a replacement and that he wants me to do it. So I went to the show and they explained everything they do to me and showed me how they do it all. They also invited me to come to the next show in December as well. I think I am going to do it and that it'll be a good experience. It's not a paying job but it would be good to have on my resume. And I don't even know if I'll get the job but Jordan makes it sound like I am at the top of the list for it. So hopefully it works out. It would be really fun!

Then on Saturday, I went to the Football game and we totally dominated. BYU 55–UNLV 7. Oh yeah. It was my friend Stephanie's birthday so we all say that the team won it just for her. Here's a pic of me, Cassandra, Stephanie, and Pepper, our friends, friends baby at the game. We held her for practically the entire game :) It was fun. She is so dang cute!

Oh, and Happy Birthday Stephanie! Steph is so awesome. I'm so glad she is my next door neighbor and friend. She's just always so happy and nice and thoughtful. I love her!

After the game on Saturday, a bunch of us went and got Pita Pit and then sat and ate and talked and laughed. Sometimes that is just my favorite thing to do; sit and talk with friends. It's so great. Then I took a nap, another one of my favorite things to do :) Then I went on a date with Brandon Robinson! I had a really fun night and a delicious dinner that he cooked! We went and had steaks at his apartment and then joined up with a bunch of other people from our ward and had a bonfire down by Utah Lake. It really was one of the best dates I've ever been on! Brandon is so awesome.

So really, life is good right now. I had one test yesterday and three more that I have to take by the end of this week so I am kind of freaking out but I am trying to stay positive and focused and I know that I'll make it through somehow!

Goodnight!

Tired

All I have to say right now, is that I'm tired. I'm tired because I haven't been getting enough sleep (kind of obvious... I'm a college student) but I'm also tired of school, and of my messy room, and of eating unhealthily, and of dating, and of being selfish and shallow.

I don't know why I am so bad at school. Probably because I haven't learned how to work and really dedicate myself to something and accomplish it. Which is SO bad! This is a lesson that I need to know in order to survive in life and I can't get myself to learn and follow it! I wish there was a class on it. How to live life 101. The unfortunate thing is that I would take it and just fail it 'cause that's what I do in all my classes. But at least I really enjoy learning what I am learning, I just don't do the work that I need to do to show my teachers that I am actually learning anything. I really do love my major and where I am in school though. I love learning about and being around music all the time. It makes me so happy and I never get sick of it.

I wish it was easy to keep my room clean because I love having it organized and looking good but for some reason, when it comes time to take off my clothes, it seems like the hardest thing in the world to either put it in my hamper or hang it back up. Maddie, it's so much easier than you make it seem in your head. Just put it away and you will be so much happier!

Oh man, I wish there was a way to just skip the whole dating period of life. It is so hard. I mean, okay, there are times when it is fun and I get to do lots of fun things and I appreciate the boys I go out with for spending time getting to know me and for the chance to get to know them, but honestly, it is so emotionally and physically draining. Sometimes I wish I could just have a weekend like last weekend, where I have time to do whatever I want to do. That's really selfish of me, huh? Well this weekend is not like that. I have so much to do and not enough time to do it all! But it'll be fun. And it'll work itself out. And maybe someday I'll find the right person and dating will feel right and be fun...

I went home to Alpine last night and was SO fun. It was Dad's 49th Birthday and I'm glad I was able to go home and spend time with him. He is so wonderful and I so appreciate all that he does for me! Plus Mom made cherry pie... sooo good. It is so nice to go home every once and a while and just be around people who love you no matter what you do. I love being around my wonderful family. They make me laugh and think and cry and laugh some more. I kind of got the feeling last night though, that I should really be less selfish and self-centered. It's just hard when I go home though, because I want to tell my family all about what's been happening and all the fun I've been having, but I need to be better at listening and helping others instead of just being focused on myself all the time. I love my family so much and there is so much that I wish I could do for them! But I can't even get my own life figured out. Do you think maybe if I focused more on helping others and doing things for the people around me that my life would just work itself out better? Hmmm. There are so many awesome people in my life, like my roommate and my neighbors and my family and the people in my ward. I just wish I could be more like them. I am so grateful for their examples of selflessness, gratitude and patience with life and with me! They are truly examples of living Christlike lives.

Cousins lunch was, of course, super fun today. Jen brought Halloween treats again (she's wonderful!) and we had fun with them :)

Here's a video too, for good measure. I love how Covey says, "She's got lots of experience with that tongue." Hahaha. I love these guys.

By the way, 12 days until Rachy comes down for an entire week and a half for Thanksgiving!! I am so excited to see her and have her around for that long. It's going to be the best week of this semester :) fo reals. Can you believe Thanksgiving is only in 3 weeks? I am already so excited for Thanksgiving Dinner I can hardly wait! 

I'm glad that I decided to make this post right now. Writing down my thoughts has cheered me up and I feel like I can handle life's challenges. I'm not convinced that I really can but I'll just pretend and hope that this feeling sticks for a while. I know that anything is possible through Jesus Christ so I'll rely on Him to get through and I'll make it somehow. 

Remember

Today my stake had a special Stake Conference at the Tabernacle and Bishop Richard Edgley, the first counselor in the Presiding Bishopric spoke to us. The whole conference was so, so good! My Stake President, President Childs is so awesome. My new Stake Relief Society President Sister Peterson (Dr. Don Peterson's wife) also spoke and I just really feel blessed to have her as my RS President. The conference started at 10 but I got there at like 9:15 to save some seats for my ward with a couple other girls from my ward. Sister Peterson walked in with a couple of pots of flowers and we asked her if she needed any help bringing in more or setting them up. She said that there were a lot more flowers out in her car to bring in so we went out and carried them in. Then she asked if we would help her set them up. It was fun to talk to her and to help her set up the flowers all over the stand before everyone else got there. As we were setting them up, people started walking in and sitting down and the people sitting on the stand started getting there. I was walking off of the stage after setting one of the pots up and there was a man and woman walking up onto the stand and as I was passing them, the man turned to me and said, "Good morning! How are you doing today?" And I was just like, "Good thanks! How are you?" And I touched his arm as I walked off. Then I finished helping with the flowers and sat down and realized that it was Bishop Edgley!

Sweet huh? I mean, it's not like he's one of the 12 apostles but it is just something special to be around amazing men like him that are special witnesses of the truthfulness of the Gospel. Men like Bishop Edgley dedicate their lives to God's work and I feel really blessed to attend a college where I can see them so often. It is really amazing.

There were some really good talks but the overall theme I got out of the conference was that I need to have greater faith and endurance. I learned that any thoughts that we have that are disparaging or discouraging are not from Heavenly Father. They are from satan and are him trying to get you down and to tempt you. I find that sometimes, I feel really great and like things are going well in my life and I see all of my blessings really easily. But then there are times, sometimes in the same day as the good feelings, that I have really discouraging feelings and I just feel like there's no hope or progress to be made. But after the talks on Sunday, I understand more that those are not good thoughts and that Heavenly Father does not want me to be thinking about discouraging things. He wants me to be happy and to know that He loves me. He wants me to have hope and to be optimistic and remember the great plan of happiness that is set up for me. So, part of that plan is for me to be tempted by satan and to go through trials but the best thing for me to do is to not let temptation take over. I will be strong and I will remember what I am here for. I will remember that Heavenly Father loves me and only wants to help me. He wants me to be happy! So, I will be happy!

Halloween Party 1

It worked! My costume turned out really well. Some people didn't really get what I was at first but when they did, they thought it was awesome :) Also, Kelsi dressed up as a scarecrow and she looked really cute! Here are some pictures:

Our ward Halloween party was SO fun! There were lots of things to do like painting pumpkins and apple bobbing and caramel apples to eat but to be honest, we got there and went straight for the dancing and just danced the whole night :) It was really fun. I always say that I hate dances and I never want to go to them but then when I get there I always have lots of fun. I feel like I should stop saying that I hate them so much but it's hard because I really am an awful dancer but when I am there dancing, it doesn't matter as long as I am trying to have a good time, I will. I just never feel before hand like I am going to have a good time. But I did have a good time last night! It was actually a tri-ward activity so there were lots of people there that I didn't know but my ward stuck together and danced together which was a lot of fun. I absolutely love the people in my ward. Every last one of 'em! I have so much fun with them! We actually have another Halloween party tonight as well in our apartment complex with more dancing and movies and games. I'm excited.

After the dance last night, we decided we were gonna watch a movie at Castille, one of the guys apartment complexes, but we didn't a movie to watch so I went over to Marin, the other guys apartment complex and looked for one to watch. I went to Marin 4 and started talking with those guys, Ryan, Eric and Wesley, and actually ended up staying there for a couple hours. It was really fun! Phil was also there for a while and so was Matt. Those guys are all so fun to be around and talk to. Pappy picked up the baseball bat that was sitting in their living room and was just swinging it around for a while but then decided to go pick some apples off of their apple tree and hit them with the bat. We took turns pitching and hitting and it was really fun! I was skeptical of batting at first because I am so awkward and clumsy but they convinced me to do it and it was actually really fun :) I hit a couple of good ones and they splattered all over me. Haha. We left a nice mess of apple juice and bits all over the yard and side of the building.

I realized something as I was laying in bed this morning thinking about last night. I realized that I have been given the very special gift of being able to do pretty much anything that I want or put my mind to. I don't mean to sound prideful or full of myself because I totally know that it's not because of anything that I have done that I have this ability. I know that it is because of my Heavenly Father and my Saviour Jesus Christ. But I find that when I really try and do something, I am able to do it. Like music; I am not a musical genius but I just get music and I can play it decently on lots of different instruments. Eric plays guitar really well and he was playing while we were sitting in their apartment but when he put the guitar down I picked it up and just played around on it. Now, I'm really not good at it but I at least know how to play it to a certain degree and it was really fun. Sports; I am definitely not great at sports but I love playing them and I can actually play them to a certain extent and not stink at them. Like hitting those apples last night. I actually made a couple of good hits and I wasn't just some sissy girl who can't do anything. Sound recording; again, I am not a genius at technology but I just get it sometimes and have these moments where I am really good at figuring things out. Like last night at the dance party, the equipment starting freaking out and reset itself and the guy in charge wasn't around and people were getting distraught. I didn't go look at it for a little while 'cause I was like, oh they'll figure it out, there's enough guys trying to get it working that there's nothing I could do that would help. But after a couple minutes, I decided to just go take a look at what they were doing. I tried a couple of things, and then found that they were just on the wrong input setting so I changed it and got it working. It felt really good to get in with all those guys trying to get it to work and being the one that actually fixed the problem. It was just a small thing but it made me realize that I do have certain gifts and talents and I shouldn't just keep them to myself. I should work on developing them and sharing them with others. I have a gift of being good at things that I try and do and I shouldn't just ignore that and pretend that I'm no good at anything. I should try new things and be more adventurous because I think that there's nothing that I can't do.

In my Sound Recording class on Thursday, we talked a lot about the program and ways that it could be improved or how we could get more out of the program. One of my good friends in the class, Jordan, made the comment that there are so many resources available to us in this program if we just look for them and work really hard then there is so much we can learn and do. This major that I'm in, is all about working hard as an individual and finding projects to do and ways to improve your own abilities. It's about finding initiative and self motivation. If you work hard, there is no limit to what you can learn and become in the music industry. But without that motivation, you can still get by on the bare minimum and graduate, but you will have wasted your time and not made any progress and missed out on so many opportunities.

 My Dad has always told me that he is so confident in my abilities and that there is no limit to what I can do or be. I think it's time that I actually start listening to him and start working and doing and being more than I am today.

Good Day

Today is a good day.

I love LOVE cousin lunch with my amazing cousins! We had so much fun today. Jen was wonderful and brought us Halloween cookies and gave us the story of Rapunzel in ASL, Brooke just makes me laugh cause she is amazing and has the funniest things to say, Covey is always just Covey, which is awesome, Ryan Williams sat with us today which was way fun (I feel bad cause he was trying to study Aristotle and we kept distracting him... but he just makes me laugh too) and we skyped with Rachel for 1/2 hour which was amazing! Man, I have the most amazing little sister ever. She is so funny and individual and gorgeous. I love her so much! The only thing that would have made lunch even better today was if Taylor and Julianne were there. 'Cause they're amazing too and we missed them today.

Since Halloween is this weekend, a bunch of people were dressed up on campus today. At lunch, we saw the Pope (who blessed Rachel over skype 'cause Brooke grabbed my computer and went chasing after him. Haha) and Tinkie Winkie and in one of my classes I saw Qui Gon Jin. I have a ward Halloween dance party tonight and I am going to try and dress up as a crash test dummy :) I don't know if it's going to work or even be very cool but I'm gonna give it a shot. I'm just gonna wear either a jumpsuit (if I can find one at D.I. or somewhere) or sweatpants and shirt in one color and then make little symbols and stick them all over. Hopefully it works out :) I'll hopefully take some pictures and put them up on here tomorrow.

Lynnanne Janette Wilson

Today was the one year mark of my wonderful, beautiful, kind, perfect Aunt Lynnanne having her stroke and being diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor.

It has been a hard day. Hard because I have to stop and cry when I think of the children that have to live without their Mom, the brothers and sisters and parents who will never see her again in this life, and the husband that has to raise their seven incredible children by himself. 

Yes, I lost my Aunt and yes, that is really really hard. But it hurts so much worse to think of what they are all going through and when I think of having to go through the same thing, I get so scared. Scared of what this life brings and scared for the future. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. 

But then I remember my Father in Heaven. And His Beautiful, Merciful, Wonderful Plan of Happiness. Happiness. He wants me to be happy. She wants me to be happy. I know that this life, though it seems like eternity now, is only just a blink of time in the whole scheme of things. I know that even though we have to live without Lynnanne now, we will have the rest of eternity to live and be with her. And that makes me happy. Having the knowledge of God's plan gives me hope in this awful time of fear and darkness. It makes me so grateful to my Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ who gave His own life so that I can be united again with our dear Aunt, Sister, Wife, and Mother. 

Here are a couple of blog posts from today that really touched my heart. First, my sister Rachel's blog post: No Words to Write which is really great. She has such a beautiful way of writing and she has insights into life that open my eyes and heart and make me sit in awe of her talent. And second, my incredible cousin Brooke's blog post: Okay Today. My dear cousin Brooke, you don't even know how much of an influence and inspiration you are in my life. I look up to you in every way! 

The next weeks and months are going to be even harder than today. There is so much that I wish I could do for all of my wonderful family but I think the best thing I can do is pray. So that's what I'm gonna do. Pray for strength, happiness, peace and courage to get through the hard times. 

I love you Lynnanne!

Friends, Food, and Family

I have realized lately how much I love people. I have really gotten to know a lot of the people in my ward well and it is so fun. My natural tendency is to be very selfish and anti-social but I have really tried to get to know people better and be social and I think it has worked out. I have made some friends that I really love and get along with well. I feel like I fit in and have people that love me too. I really feel blessed and like Heavenly Father has put me in a position where I am comfortable and where I can be myself. It is so wonderful. I can definitely see ways that my life has been affected and improved by building my relationships with my friends. Of course, I still have a problem being selfish and I know that I am not a very good friend. I want to work on focusing on others and thinking what I can do to help all of these amazing people that I'm surrounded by. They deserve better from me.

On another note, I am cooking for dinner group tomorrow and I really am not sure what to cook. I think I am going to copy my Grandma and cook BBQ ribs like she did on Saturday. The only problem is that I don't know how much the meat is going to cost and I am not sure I can afford it at this moment in time... I guess I'll get to the store and figure it out. But doesn't it sound amazing? BBQ ribs, baked potato, rolls, salad. Mmm... Hopefully it works out. I need to call and consult my mother. She'll know what to do.

It was so fun having Rachel here this weekend and it was so sad to say goodbye to her :( it is hard to watch her go and for her to be so far away. I wish she could be closer but I know that it's only a little bit longer until winter semester when she won't have school anymore and we can hang anytime she wants to. That'll be awesome! I cant wait!

Jonsi

The concert last night was truly amazing. The music and the visuals and just the whole feeling in the room was inspiring. Jonsi and his group are so musically talented and it is so fun to watch them work together and create the music they play. Each song, they would rotate around and switch to different instruments (except Jonsi who stuck with singing. But even he played guitar, ukulele, vibraphone and piano.) They different sounds that they create by combining different instruments is really cool. Plus they use string bows to play the vibraphones! Su-weet! The drummer... oh my goodness... is so incredibly talented. He was just doing his thing and creating the sweetest beats and sounds. Plus he was bald and wearing a sweet crown headband around his head :) And of course, Jonsi's voice is so pure and clear and amazing. I don't know how he does it. 

Man, there were times during the concert when the music gets beautifully quiet and simple and the audience would just stop moving and breathing. The feeling was so intense and way sweet. I don't think I've ever seen a crowd like that get so quiet and still (outside of the church, of course.) 

Alone

I found this video and I really like it. I've always felt comfortable being alone. I like having time to myself to just think and to do things that I like to do. The thing that I need to work on though, is not spending too much time with my computer and cellphone... I need to be outside more, read more, do more crossword puzzles. I want to go to dinner and a movie by myself every once and a while, or walk to downtown Provo and watch and smile at people.

Sometimes I think that because I like to be by myself, I am selfish and antisocial. "It doesn't mean you aren't connected. Just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it." I think when you take time to develop yourself, you actually become more sociable and a more interesting person. People will want to be around you more if you are comfortable with yourself. "If you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay."

I love what President Ucthdorf said in General Conference,

"It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do. Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential.

Sometimes

Sometimes it is physically impossible for me to find things that I'm grateful for. Especially when I am required to write a song for my theory class and I have no songwriting ability whatsoever. Or when I am trying to write said song and a roommate burns her oatmeal on the stove and I can't breath because the fumes are so thick and they burn my eyes. Or when there is something I really really want but will never be able to have... Arg!

I could maybe be grateful for smoke alarms... or maybe I could be grateful for the knowledge that everything will work out if I am just trying just as much as I can handle... but honestly, sometimes I don't feel like finding positive things in negative situations. Can't I just be negative sometimes?

Seriously, I don't know what I am going to do about this song that I have to write... The stress of having to make it sound good and finding people to perform in class is just too much for me! I understand the concepts! Isn't that good enough!?

Smile Big

I woke up this morning thinking more about what I'm grateful for and so far, I am a lot happier today than I usually am. Do you think those two things are connected? I'm gonna go with yes :) Here are some things I thought of today:

1. Hot water; something I take for granted way too much.

2. My friend who always reminds me to "smile big!" I really do have so much to smile about even when times are hard and I don't always make the best decisions.

3. My Relief Society journal. It is so great to have a place to write down thoughts and inspirations about this Gospel. I love going back and reading things I have learned over the past few weeks. My testimony is strengthened every time I open that journal and I'm so grateful to my Relief Society presidency for giving it to me and encouraging me to use it.

4. A living prophet.

"My brothers and sisters, do we remember to give thanks for the blessings we receive? Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love."

-President Thomas S. Monson

Gratitude

I wish I was better at finding things that I am grateful for. Most of the time, I focus my life on the bad and the things that I need to improve on. I want to be more positive and grateful and focus on the good in life! So, here are some things that I'm grateful for:

1. Text messages from my Mom that tell me that she loves me.
2. Grandparents who have me over for delicious Sabbath Day meals.
3. Cousins who always find things to be happy about.
4. Color. Random, I know, but I just love color! What would life be like without it...
5. Family Search Indexing.
Okay, that's a start. I definitely need to work on this though.
Here's a couple pictures from my walk home the other day. I told you I like this app... :)

The last one is actually from my ward's intramural frisbee game on Friday. Isn't that sky just beautiful?! I love it. And I decided I really like playing frisbee. I'm not on the team (cause I'm awful at actually playing it) but we just throw the frisbee around after the games and I really enjoy it. Oh yeah, I signed up for my ward's co-ed volleyball team! I'm kind of nervous because I'm also really bad at volleyball but at the same time I'm really excited because I really love playing it! Our first game is on Friday... I really hope I don't mess it all up for my team.

Hipstamatic

I got a new app on my phone yesterday and I've been having a lot of fun with it. It's called Hipstamatic and it just makes your pictures look retro and cool. Now, I am awful at photography and I totally just play around with taking pictures but, here are some of my favorites that I have taken:

Hehe, took this one during class...

Just so you know, a lot of the pictures that I put on here are probably going to be in this style, because I am having fun taking pictures with this app. So just be prepared.