Ok, so I have another post about Oregon in progress right now but I have some thoughts that I need to sort out. So I have some problem with dating and I don't really know what it is. I know so many amazing guys and I know that I would be lucky to end up with so many of them. But for some reason, I don't want to date. I have no desire to go anywhere with anyone. Why!? What is it about relationships and dating that scares me? I get along with guys so well and I think they make the best friends, but I need to want to be with one person and get into a relationship with someone! But I just don't want to! I think I like having lots of guy friends but it's hard because I can only go so far as a friend. I need to want to go farther and to get closer with a boy. I need to want to know everything about him and feel like I can share anything with him.
Boys just confuse and scare me. They have so many flaws and there is always something wrong with them. I go through the same thing with every guy I start to like. I really like them at first and then when things seem like they could actually be going somewhere, I find something wrong with them and I freak out and back way off. What I can't figure out though is if I just really haven't found the right person yet or if I just create excuses and reasons for not liking someone because I'm scared.
What am I scared of?
I think I am kind of scared of intimacy. I'm not very good at being physical and touchy. I just think it's awkward. When I hold hands or kiss someone, I want it to be comfortable and fun and I've just never felt that way with anyone. But even before that, I think one reason I don't like going anywhere with a boy is because I'm scared of hurting them. I feel like there have been a few times when I've really hurt a boy and it's hard to get over that. I hate the feeling and the need to talk to a boy and tell them I'm not interested. Especially when I can't deny that I am pretty flirty and forward with boys so I lead them on and postpone deciding whether I really like them or not. Then I decide I don't like them and really hurt them. It's terrible! Why can't I just meet the perfect guy and have everything work out smoothly and happily.
And I'm done talking about this.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
X Men
It is now 3:00 AM. I just saw the new X Men movie. It was a really really good movie but what I loved most about it was the people I went with. I love being spontaneous and doing fun things like this. Stephen Robinson told me the movie was coming out tonight at midnight and then I went and talked to Kevin Jenson and we just decided a couple hours before hand that we were going to go see it. So we talked to people and we made it happen. We went with a group of about 10 people and I think everyone had a good time and enjoyed to movie and the experience. I'm so happy that I am in a time of my life where I can be young and have fun with people I love. It is such a great time to be alive and in the situation I am in.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Summer
I want to start keeping track of all the fun things I am doing this summer. It's already the end of May so I've missed a lot but I'm hoping I can fill in the missing pieces and then stay up to date for the rest of the summer.
Life is kinda funny and different for me right now. I decided not to take classes this summer and instead just to get a job and work. I got a job on the grounds crew for BYU and it is... interesting. The parts that I enjoy are: I get to be outside, I love (most) of the people I work with and my boss, I get money, I can finally say that I have a job and I don't feel like such a slacker in life. The parts I don't like are: I have to work (just statin' the obvious), it's gonna start getting really hot here pretty soon and it'll be miserable to be outside during the afternoon, and worst of all I feel like I should be doing something that pushes me and makes me use my mind and grow. I just sort of feel like I do mindless work that doesn't actually make that big of a difference in my life or just in the world in general. So that makes it blah. I think it is still good for me to have this job though. It is good experience just to work and to get along with my boss and my co-workers and to spend the time learning how to work.
When I'm not working though, I'm pretty much just playing :) I have a really fun group of friends that I do everything with. We go to intramural games and the hot tub, watch movies, play games, have sleepovers and bonfires, go on bike rides and hikes, eat food that's homemade and out at restaurants. But mostly we just do a lot of sitting around talking and dancing and being friends. It's awesome. I really do love it and I feel like I am making friends that I will have for my whole life.
Let me tell you about a few things that I've done already that are awesome.
We got a big group of people to go up to the rugby national championships up in SLC. BYU got to the finals and played against a school in California. It was really fun to go up and watch a rugby game. I've never seen one before so I didn't really know all of the rules and stuff but I understood most of it. It was really fun to watch! It's crazy how they just tackle eachother and get in huge dogpiles with no pads or protection at all. They are true men.
My ward went on a hike up rock canyon park one Saturday morning and that was a ton of un! I usually hate hikes but I convinced myself to go... I don't know why... But it ended up being really really fun. I stayed back with a group of 6 people and instead of just sticking to the path, we were climbing up on the mountain and crossing the river over and over again. It was so much fun! Hiking can be boring cause you just walk on a path and keep walking and walking. But this was different because we would stop and cross the river or just play around which made it fabulous. We even claimed an island in the middle of the river. We dragged a log over and all climbed onto the island and claimed it. It's awesome.
I went and saw Never Say Never in the dollar theater with Adam, Sarah, and Moe and sitting two seats in front of us was Stephen Rogers from the BYU basketball team. I thought it was so funny that he and his wife were seeing the Justin Bieber movie in the dollar theater. It was an awesome movie by the way. It just went to redbox and my friends and I rented it and watched it again just a couple nights ago. I have to say that I really like JB and I have a lot of respect for him. I might even admit that I have Bieber Fever...
So there's more but I will kind of fill in spaces later on. The verdict though, is that I am having a really fun summer and I'm trying to be a better person and develop some of my talents and make some good friends. I have a lot of things to work on and I'm grateful to have this time in my life to work on them.
Life is kinda funny and different for me right now. I decided not to take classes this summer and instead just to get a job and work. I got a job on the grounds crew for BYU and it is... interesting. The parts that I enjoy are: I get to be outside, I love (most) of the people I work with and my boss, I get money, I can finally say that I have a job and I don't feel like such a slacker in life. The parts I don't like are: I have to work (just statin' the obvious), it's gonna start getting really hot here pretty soon and it'll be miserable to be outside during the afternoon, and worst of all I feel like I should be doing something that pushes me and makes me use my mind and grow. I just sort of feel like I do mindless work that doesn't actually make that big of a difference in my life or just in the world in general. So that makes it blah. I think it is still good for me to have this job though. It is good experience just to work and to get along with my boss and my co-workers and to spend the time learning how to work.
When I'm not working though, I'm pretty much just playing :) I have a really fun group of friends that I do everything with. We go to intramural games and the hot tub, watch movies, play games, have sleepovers and bonfires, go on bike rides and hikes, eat food that's homemade and out at restaurants. But mostly we just do a lot of sitting around talking and dancing and being friends. It's awesome. I really do love it and I feel like I am making friends that I will have for my whole life.
Let me tell you about a few things that I've done already that are awesome.
We got a big group of people to go up to the rugby national championships up in SLC. BYU got to the finals and played against a school in California. It was really fun to go up and watch a rugby game. I've never seen one before so I didn't really know all of the rules and stuff but I understood most of it. It was really fun to watch! It's crazy how they just tackle eachother and get in huge dogpiles with no pads or protection at all. They are true men.
My ward went on a hike up rock canyon park one Saturday morning and that was a ton of un! I usually hate hikes but I convinced myself to go... I don't know why... But it ended up being really really fun. I stayed back with a group of 6 people and instead of just sticking to the path, we were climbing up on the mountain and crossing the river over and over again. It was so much fun! Hiking can be boring cause you just walk on a path and keep walking and walking. But this was different because we would stop and cross the river or just play around which made it fabulous. We even claimed an island in the middle of the river. We dragged a log over and all climbed onto the island and claimed it. It's awesome.
So there's more but I will kind of fill in spaces later on. The verdict though, is that I am having a really fun summer and I'm trying to be a better person and develop some of my talents and make some good friends. I have a lot of things to work on and I'm grateful to have this time in my life to work on them.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Twenty Eleven
Well, it's 2011. Crazy! I just had a fantastic New Years Eve with my cousins. We had so much fun! We played spoons, down by the banks, oomcha, beer pong, did fireworks, and came up with a bunch of crazy things to do just sitting around the kitchen. I sure do love my family!
Life has had a way of getting to me lately, sadly. I just haven't been myself because I've spent too much time being down about one aspect of life or another. Here's a confession, I've always thought that new years resolutions are kind of cliche and inconclusive. I mean, shouldn't we always be making new goals for ourselves and constantly be striving to be better? Not just right at the beginning of the year? And who actually follows through with their goals anyways? I've always thought why make a new years resolution when I know I'm just going to botch it up within a couple of days. But honestly, this year feels a little different. This year I really feel the need to have a new start and rededicate myself to living life the way I should be living it and not just what is comfortable for me. I want to be more active. Not just taking care of my body but active as in constantly doing good things and not wasting my time away on stupid and unimportant things. I want to become a better and deeper thinker. I want to do more challenging things. I want to do better and focus harder on school. I decided recently that the time for me to serve a mission is not now and that I should be focusing on finishing school. Well that's what I want to do. I want to be a full time student and really become good at learning and schooling.
Anyways, I don't know if that is kind of over the top for a list of new years resolutions but I really hope I can accomplish at least one of them. They are all things that I really want to work on. I feel like owe it to my Heavenly Father, my parents, my friends and even myself to be a better person this year, because I didn't do so well in 2010. But the past is gone and the time to be better is now!
The Old Year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months! -Edward Payson Powell
Anyways, I don't know if that is kind of over the top for a list of new years resolutions but I really hope I can accomplish at least one of them. They are all things that I really want to work on. I feel like owe it to my Heavenly Father, my parents, my friends and even myself to be a better person this year, because I didn't do so well in 2010. But the past is gone and the time to be better is now!
The Old Year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months! -Edward Payson Powell
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Merry Christmas
It's been a great Christmas so far! It was great to get out of school and get back home with my family for a couple weeks. I've mostly just been playing around since I got home, which is just the way I like it. I've seen a movie, gone out to eat at a really good restaurant called Red Iguana, shopped, slept a lot, and played tons of music.
Today was Christmas day and it was a lot of fun. Julianne, Rachel, Jen and I had a sleepover in Rachel's room last night and this morning, I woke up to Rachel poking me in the head and telling me that it was 7:40! We were planning on waking up at 7 but we ended up sleeping in quite a bit. It's funny how we've changed because we used to wake up super early to go open presents but lately, since we're all older and more exhausted all the time, we like sleeping in. But we got up at 7:40 (not really sleeping in I suppose), went and woke up my parents, had toast and grape juice, lined up to take pictures and then went in and opened presents. There were a lot of fun presents this year for everyone. Mom got an accordion, Dad got a cool video camera for his ATV, Rachel got a spotting scope, Jen got a popcorn maker, and I got a kit that lets you make your own electric guitar. It is really cool. I can't wait to put it together.
My family really impressed me this year with the amount of charitable things they did. I just feel like they all cared a lot about others and about making this a good Christmas for everyone around them. However, I personally did horrible at this. I've been a really selfish person lately and I didn't do enough for others this Christmas. I left my Christmas presents for my family until last minute so I didn't do anything special for them like they did for me and I just haven't spent enough time thinking and doing things for others. This season is a special time for thinking about Christ and His birth and life. His entire life was lived for others and nothing He did was selfish or thoughtless. That is the kind of life I should be trying to live. Not the one I am currently living. This is something I really want to be better at because I am pretty miserable right now. It is not fun just being about myself all the time.
I'm just really grateful that I have my family's and my Saviour's example of how to live life. They are all so wonderful and I am grateful that I have them in my life. They helped me remember what Christmas is really about today.
Today was Christmas day and it was a lot of fun. Julianne, Rachel, Jen and I had a sleepover in Rachel's room last night and this morning, I woke up to Rachel poking me in the head and telling me that it was 7:40! We were planning on waking up at 7 but we ended up sleeping in quite a bit. It's funny how we've changed because we used to wake up super early to go open presents but lately, since we're all older and more exhausted all the time, we like sleeping in. But we got up at 7:40 (not really sleeping in I suppose), went and woke up my parents, had toast and grape juice, lined up to take pictures and then went in and opened presents. There were a lot of fun presents this year for everyone. Mom got an accordion, Dad got a cool video camera for his ATV, Rachel got a spotting scope, Jen got a popcorn maker, and I got a kit that lets you make your own electric guitar. It is really cool. I can't wait to put it together.
My family really impressed me this year with the amount of charitable things they did. I just feel like they all cared a lot about others and about making this a good Christmas for everyone around them. However, I personally did horrible at this. I've been a really selfish person lately and I didn't do enough for others this Christmas. I left my Christmas presents for my family until last minute so I didn't do anything special for them like they did for me and I just haven't spent enough time thinking and doing things for others. This season is a special time for thinking about Christ and His birth and life. His entire life was lived for others and nothing He did was selfish or thoughtless. That is the kind of life I should be trying to live. Not the one I am currently living. This is something I really want to be better at because I am pretty miserable right now. It is not fun just being about myself all the time.
I'm just really grateful that I have my family's and my Saviour's example of how to live life. They are all so wonderful and I am grateful that I have them in my life. They helped me remember what Christmas is really about today.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Life is Good!
I don't really know what to write right now but I feel like writing so I'm just going to start and see what comes out. This past weekend was really great. I did a lot of fun things and church was really great on Sunday. I just love Sundays and the peace and rejuvenation I feel after all of the goings-ons. I really felt the spirit strong during Sacrament meeting and especially during the sacrament itself. I felt my Heavenly Father's love for me and I realized a deeper meaning of the atonement in my life. I am so grateful for the chance that I have to repent and to start off my week with a fresh start after partaking of the sacrament. It is truly an amazing blessing in my life and I know that I would not get anywhere without that opportunity to start again and to try harder. I know that Christ sacrificed His life for me so that I can repent and be forgiven. I know that He went through with the atonement so that He can feel and know what I am going through and so He can be there for me when I turn to Him for help. And I know that He will be there for me. All I have to do is knock, and the door will be opened unto me.
So on Friday, my friend Jordan, who is one of the tech people for Divine Comedy, invited me to come to their show and sit in the booth with him. He told me that one of the other tech guys is leaving next semester and they need to find a replacement and that he wants me to do it. So I went to the show and they explained everything they do to me and showed me how they do it all. They also invited me to come to the next show in December as well. I think I am going to do it and that it'll be a good experience. It's not a paying job but it would be good to have on my resume. And I don't even know if I'll get the job but Jordan makes it sound like I am at the top of the list for it. So hopefully it works out. It would be really fun!
Then on Saturday, I went to the Football game and we totally dominated. BYU 55–UNLV 7. Oh yeah. It was my friend Stephanie's birthday so we all say that the team won it just for her. Here's a pic of me, Cassandra, Stephanie, and Pepper, our friends, friends baby at the game. We held her for practically the entire game :) It was fun. She is so dang cute!
Oh, and Happy Birthday Stephanie! Steph is so awesome. I'm so glad she is my next door neighbor and friend. She's just always so happy and nice and thoughtful. I love her!
After the game on Saturday, a bunch of us went and got Pita Pit and then sat and ate and talked and laughed. Sometimes that is just my favorite thing to do; sit and talk with friends. It's so great. Then I took a nap, another one of my favorite things to do :) Then I went on a date with Brandon Robinson! I had a really fun night and a delicious dinner that he cooked! We went and had steaks at his apartment and then joined up with a bunch of other people from our ward and had a bonfire down by Utah Lake. It really was one of the best dates I've ever been on! Brandon is so awesome.
So really, life is good right now. I had one test yesterday and three more that I have to take by the end of this week so I am kind of freaking out but I am trying to stay positive and focused and I know that I'll make it through somehow!
Goodnight!
So on Friday, my friend Jordan, who is one of the tech people for Divine Comedy, invited me to come to their show and sit in the booth with him. He told me that one of the other tech guys is leaving next semester and they need to find a replacement and that he wants me to do it. So I went to the show and they explained everything they do to me and showed me how they do it all. They also invited me to come to the next show in December as well. I think I am going to do it and that it'll be a good experience. It's not a paying job but it would be good to have on my resume. And I don't even know if I'll get the job but Jordan makes it sound like I am at the top of the list for it. So hopefully it works out. It would be really fun!
Then on Saturday, I went to the Football game and we totally dominated. BYU 55–UNLV 7. Oh yeah. It was my friend Stephanie's birthday so we all say that the team won it just for her. Here's a pic of me, Cassandra, Stephanie, and Pepper, our friends, friends baby at the game. We held her for practically the entire game :) It was fun. She is so dang cute!
After the game on Saturday, a bunch of us went and got Pita Pit and then sat and ate and talked and laughed. Sometimes that is just my favorite thing to do; sit and talk with friends. It's so great. Then I took a nap, another one of my favorite things to do :) Then I went on a date with Brandon Robinson! I had a really fun night and a delicious dinner that he cooked! We went and had steaks at his apartment and then joined up with a bunch of other people from our ward and had a bonfire down by Utah Lake. It really was one of the best dates I've ever been on! Brandon is so awesome.
So really, life is good right now. I had one test yesterday and three more that I have to take by the end of this week so I am kind of freaking out but I am trying to stay positive and focused and I know that I'll make it through somehow!
Goodnight!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Tired
All I have to say right now, is that I'm tired. I'm tired because I haven't been getting enough sleep (kind of obvious... I'm a college student) but I'm also tired of school, and of my messy room, and of eating unhealthily, and of dating, and of being selfish and shallow.
I don't know why I am so bad at school. Probably because I haven't learned how to work and really dedicate myself to something and accomplish it. Which is SO bad! This is a lesson that I need to know in order to survive in life and I can't get myself to learn and follow it! I wish there was a class on it. How to live life 101. The unfortunate thing is that I would take it and just fail it 'cause that's what I do in all my classes. But at least I really enjoy learning what I am learning, I just don't do the work that I need to do to show my teachers that I am actually learning anything. I really do love my major and where I am in school though. I love learning about and being around music all the time. It makes me so happy and I never get sick of it.
I wish it was easy to keep my room clean because I love having it organized and looking good but for some reason, when it comes time to take off my clothes, it seems like the hardest thing in the world to either put it in my hamper or hang it back up. Maddie, it's so much easier than you make it seem in your head. Just put it away and you will be so much happier!
Oh man, I wish there was a way to just skip the whole dating period of life. It is so hard. I mean, okay, there are times when it is fun and I get to do lots of fun things and I appreciate the boys I go out with for spending time getting to know me and for the chance to get to know them, but honestly, it is so emotionally and physically draining. Sometimes I wish I could just have a weekend like last weekend, where I have time to do whatever I want to do. That's really selfish of me, huh? Well this weekend is not like that. I have so much to do and not enough time to do it all! But it'll be fun. And it'll work itself out. And maybe someday I'll find the right person and dating will feel right and be fun...
I went home to Alpine last night and was SO fun. It was Dad's 49th Birthday and I'm glad I was able to go home and spend time with him. He is so wonderful and I so appreciate all that he does for me! Plus Mom made cherry pie... sooo good. It is so nice to go home every once and a while and just be around people who love you no matter what you do. I love being around my wonderful family. They make me laugh and think and cry and laugh some more. I kind of got the feeling last night though, that I should really be less selfish and self-centered. It's just hard when I go home though, because I want to tell my family all about what's been happening and all the fun I've been having, but I need to be better at listening and helping others instead of just being focused on myself all the time. I love my family so much and there is so much that I wish I could do for them! But I can't even get my own life figured out. Do you think maybe if I focused more on helping others and doing things for the people around me that my life would just work itself out better? Hmmm. There are so many awesome people in my life, like my roommate and my neighbors and my family and the people in my ward. I just wish I could be more like them. I am so grateful for their examples of selflessness, gratitude and patience with life and with me! They are truly examples of living Christlike lives.
Cousins lunch was, of course, super fun today. Jen brought Halloween treats again (she's wonderful!) and we had fun with them :)
Here's a video too, for good measure. I love how Covey says, "She's got lots of experience with that tongue." Hahaha. I love these guys.
I don't know why I am so bad at school. Probably because I haven't learned how to work and really dedicate myself to something and accomplish it. Which is SO bad! This is a lesson that I need to know in order to survive in life and I can't get myself to learn and follow it! I wish there was a class on it. How to live life 101. The unfortunate thing is that I would take it and just fail it 'cause that's what I do in all my classes. But at least I really enjoy learning what I am learning, I just don't do the work that I need to do to show my teachers that I am actually learning anything. I really do love my major and where I am in school though. I love learning about and being around music all the time. It makes me so happy and I never get sick of it.
I wish it was easy to keep my room clean because I love having it organized and looking good but for some reason, when it comes time to take off my clothes, it seems like the hardest thing in the world to either put it in my hamper or hang it back up. Maddie, it's so much easier than you make it seem in your head. Just put it away and you will be so much happier!
Oh man, I wish there was a way to just skip the whole dating period of life. It is so hard. I mean, okay, there are times when it is fun and I get to do lots of fun things and I appreciate the boys I go out with for spending time getting to know me and for the chance to get to know them, but honestly, it is so emotionally and physically draining. Sometimes I wish I could just have a weekend like last weekend, where I have time to do whatever I want to do. That's really selfish of me, huh? Well this weekend is not like that. I have so much to do and not enough time to do it all! But it'll be fun. And it'll work itself out. And maybe someday I'll find the right person and dating will feel right and be fun...
I went home to Alpine last night and was SO fun. It was Dad's 49th Birthday and I'm glad I was able to go home and spend time with him. He is so wonderful and I so appreciate all that he does for me! Plus Mom made cherry pie... sooo good. It is so nice to go home every once and a while and just be around people who love you no matter what you do. I love being around my wonderful family. They make me laugh and think and cry and laugh some more. I kind of got the feeling last night though, that I should really be less selfish and self-centered. It's just hard when I go home though, because I want to tell my family all about what's been happening and all the fun I've been having, but I need to be better at listening and helping others instead of just being focused on myself all the time. I love my family so much and there is so much that I wish I could do for them! But I can't even get my own life figured out. Do you think maybe if I focused more on helping others and doing things for the people around me that my life would just work itself out better? Hmmm. There are so many awesome people in my life, like my roommate and my neighbors and my family and the people in my ward. I just wish I could be more like them. I am so grateful for their examples of selflessness, gratitude and patience with life and with me! They are truly examples of living Christlike lives.
Cousins lunch was, of course, super fun today. Jen brought Halloween treats again (she's wonderful!) and we had fun with them :)
By the way, 12 days until Rachy comes down for an entire week and a half for Thanksgiving!! I am so excited to see her and have her around for that long. It's going to be the best week of this semester :) fo reals. Can you believe Thanksgiving is only in 3 weeks? I am already so excited for Thanksgiving Dinner I can hardly wait!
I'm glad that I decided to make this post right now. Writing down my thoughts has cheered me up and I feel like I can handle life's challenges. I'm not convinced that I really can but I'll just pretend and hope that this feeling sticks for a while. I know that anything is possible through Jesus Christ so I'll rely on Him to get through and I'll make it somehow.
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