Ok, so I have another post about Oregon in progress right now but I have some thoughts that I need to sort out. So I have some problem with dating and I don't really know what it is. I know so many amazing guys and I know that I would be lucky to end up with so many of them. But for some reason, I don't want to date. I have no desire to go anywhere with anyone. Why!? What is it about relationships and dating that scares me? I get along with guys so well and I think they make the best friends, but I need to want to be with one person and get into a relationship with someone! But I just don't want to! I think I like having lots of guy friends but it's hard because I can only go so far as a friend. I need to want to go farther and to get closer with a boy. I need to want to know everything about him and feel like I can share anything with him.
Boys just confuse and scare me. They have so many flaws and there is always something wrong with them. I go through the same thing with every guy I start to like. I really like them at first and then when things seem like they could actually be going somewhere, I find something wrong with them and I freak out and back way off. What I can't figure out though is if I just really haven't found the right person yet or if I just create excuses and reasons for not liking someone because I'm scared.
What am I scared of?
I think I am kind of scared of intimacy. I'm not very good at being physical and touchy. I just think it's awkward. When I hold hands or kiss someone, I want it to be comfortable and fun and I've just never felt that way with anyone. But even before that, I think one reason I don't like going anywhere with a boy is because I'm scared of hurting them. I feel like there have been a few times when I've really hurt a boy and it's hard to get over that. I hate the feeling and the need to talk to a boy and tell them I'm not interested. Especially when I can't deny that I am pretty flirty and forward with boys so I lead them on and postpone deciding whether I really like them or not. Then I decide I don't like them and really hurt them. It's terrible! Why can't I just meet the perfect guy and have everything work out smoothly and happily.
And I'm done talking about this.
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